I have to thank Garfield for that title.
Ironically, I'm tackling this post with red velvet cake with cream cheese icing fresh past my lips and no doubt settling in around my hips... and thighs... and bellyflab. But never my ankles!
So let's discuss my attempts at dieting, shall we? Not "lifestyle changes", but honest to goodness, I need results and I need them NOW, dieting. My first introduction to the D word was when I was probably 9 or 10 years old. My mother brought home a mimeographed sheet bearing the title "The Stewardess Diet". This fabulous, glamourous diet consisted of eating grapefruit and cottage cheese for something like 7-10 days straight. Black coffee and water only. Not only would you shed unwanted pounds and inches, you would be able to direct people to the nearest emergency exits with panache (and probably a significant lack of sleep). I have no idea if this diet ever worked for anyone, and no, I was absolutely unwilling to try it at the time.
My first real attempt at weight loss through dieting came when I was 14, about as fat as a skewer, and suffering a serious case of image dystopia. I had gone from a size 16 to a size 4 and still thought I was "the fat new kid" from 4th grade (never mind that I was in the summer between junior high and high school and was nowhere near being the "new kid"- and at about 100lbs, I wasn't the "fat kid" either). The weight loss had been so gradual I hadn't noticed it, so psychologically I was still dumpy and rolypoly. So, in order to wear the bikinis I so desperately wanted to wear (and did, and looking at those pictures later I was nothing but ribs and skin), I procured a can of SlimFast powder and proceeded to gag the stuff down twice a day. To this day, I can't look at the stuff on a shelf without wanting to vomit.
I have no recollection if the SlimFast actually worked. I was already a size 4 and never got much smaller. I know at one point my waist was 24", but that was roughly 2 years later.
After I had my first child, and the weight didn't come off like I had been promised it would (damn you, doctors and mothers and people who don't have a clue), I started considering dieting again. I was a size 12 by then, and ALL of the weight had come on in the 9 months of the pregnancy (I had gained a very average 22lbs). I didn't honestly know where to start. I had been so used to eating "whatever", I had no idea how not to eat that way. It took me 2-1/2 years to sort out what I wanted to do regarding diets, with some help from an email community of wonderful women (with whom I'm still in touch, 13 years later) who were all trying to lose weight then get pregnant. (It didn't necessarily work out that way for all of us). At any rate, one of the gals was doing a PRISM diet- basically, eradicate all sugar and simple carbs. So I spent roughly 3 weeks eating rice and drinking tea with honey. I don't think I lost any weight, but my aunt told me I looked great. However, I felt positively murderous and ravenous- rather like a fresh zombie, but a lot louder and somewhat faster.
Roughly six months after the PRISM failure, I decided to try Jenny Craig. A friend had mentioned she was on it and it was great (what she forgot to mention was that someone else was paying for her food, and she was eating regular food between the JC prepared meals). I thought, what the hell, weight loss is weight loss and I don't have to cook! You can see where this is going... 3 months later, I never wanted to look at another pre-packaged JC meal ever again. No weight lost, but I was out a few hundred bucks on crappy food and crappy "personal support". JC never once mentioned exercise as a KEY component to weight loss. They never used the words "lifestyle change". It was all about their commissions- in retrospect, of course- and getting me to come in every week for my next fix of crappy, pre-portioned meals.
For Christmas the next year, my sister bought me the "new" Weight Watchers Points system. I never bothered with it because: 1) I was insulted my sister would buy me something like that and 2) I hate counting calories, points, fat grams, carbs-to-fiber ratios... My math skills are exceptional, don't get the wrong idea, but I hate applying them to what is going in my mouth.
Bottom line on calorie/carb/point counting: if I have to THINK about what I'm eating, I just don't want to bother with it. Give me cereal or give me death! (Yes, we'll address this "convenience eating" issue another time).
Two more children, several years later, and I'm pushing maximum density. I'm cooking for a family of five, but I'm not even considering portion sizes, meat-to-vegetable ratios, the food pyramid, or anything even remotely rational when it comes to meal planning. There were several factors contributing to that state of affairs, but I will admit that this indifference to food contributed to my current size.
In the meantime, I read books about the Atkins Diet. I try OTC diet pills. I try mail-away diet pills. I join gym after gym, thinking a new environment will be all the trigger I need to make some serious "lifestyle changes" that will stick. I try that ridiculous "BodyFlex" workout because I can do it SITTING ON MY COUCH! It works for Greer Childers, right??
I am the poster child for "Why Smart Women Make Stupid Mistakes".
Shortly after deciding to leave my (now ex-) husband and relocate closer to my family, I heard about the "Deny yourself nothing" diet. Essentially, you could eat what you wanted, as long as you stopped when you were full. I realize now this was simply "mindful eating"- learning to enjoy the food you have, and paying attention to your body's signals that it has had enough. I told myself I could do this, and somehow, I did manage to lose almost 20lbs in about 2 months. And then 2 months later, the weight started coming back on, and I managed to gain 30lbs in roughly 3 months.
I consulted my PCP, who referred me to an endocrinologist. Everything checks out fine. My blood sugar, thyroid, cortisol, everything is textbook perfect. I have absolutely ZERO COMPLICATIONS due to my tremendous weight. So why did my weight yoyo so dramatically? A mystery for the ages, it seems.
Another 10lbs comes on, and I seem to level out weight-wise. And then I get pregnant with Child #4- and the weight starts falling off. I manage a NET LOSS of 13lbs during my last pregnancy, and another 20lbs fall off within the first 2 months post-partum. I am both thrilled and suffering from severe sleep-deprivation and PPD. I start eating junk at weird hours. Hello, pre-pregnancy weight + 15. Right before two family weddings, to boot.
At that point, I gave up. I continued to read diet books, self-help books, books about mindful eating, books about mindlessness, books about changing one's outlook, but it was just to give the impression that I wanted to change something. I really didn't know HOW to change, or how to stick with change, and that was the real problem. It still is.
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